my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
