So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
