if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
