make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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