I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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