piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
