I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
