You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
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she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
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I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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