Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
