I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
