no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
