One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
