Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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