You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize