I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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