I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
