If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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