Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's official drugs can't kill me
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
