My Higher Power is John Stamos
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
