hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
