if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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