Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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