we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
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i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
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And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.