she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.