Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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