At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
