youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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