The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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