Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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