Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Randomize
