Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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