May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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