porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
