i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
