Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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