You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
