The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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