My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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