Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
