Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
MIDGETS
????
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
