Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
