I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
