I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
