Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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