happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
