My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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