i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
