in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
