i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
