so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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