I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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