hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My ass is underappreciated
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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