i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
