the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
