wrigley field is MILF paradise
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
