Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
