so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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