Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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