glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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