I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
