I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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