If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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