what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
