you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
