That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
